I write this so that I would remember this moment in my life and wouldnt forget about. People will say I exagerrated, but hey put your feet in my shoes and you will understand.
It started during my foundation period, before I take my degree in mechanical engineering. I was taking Foundation in Science in UiTM Puncak Alam. So we all know that science students is full of girl. They ratio to guys is like 7:1. Well its not like I dont used to it since my high school my class is full of girls. Its weird to find even one guy in the class.
In my class I friendly with almost anyone if not close, with almost all the girls. Because to me I am not and dont want to becoming an introvert like I was a long time ago. And because the class itself seem kind of moody and boring, and I just want to light it up a bit.
But there she was, an introvert, hanging around with her few friends in the class. Everyday I would just watch a glimpse of her. She wear a very long dress everyday. In my eyes she seems like a very kind girl. She doesnt talk to much and doesnt stand out much in the class. You can say that she is the opposite of me. I think to myself nah she seem someone that I cannot approach nor be friend with. So day by day, I can only watch her, hanging around with her friends.
And then come one fateful day, well its seem like a fate to me. Her close friend suddenly got sick, like a really-really hurt one, during the class. Her friend got sent to the hospital, and after the class she was sitting outside the class, crying. She remind me of someone, someone who really close to me a long time ago. Always crying when her friends is in pain. I always got out of class late, so there I was the first thing that I see when I got out of the class is the face of her crying.
I was never a fan of seeing someone cry. My family especially my mom always told me that I am too fragile. Always cared too much of others. And in the end I'm the one will suffer, alone. They always told me that. But I didnt listen because to me, cared for others cant be wrong right? It cant be.
So there I was in my mind, I think that I cant let this girl cry, not after seeing her crying face. I got to do something. So I got an idea, a stupid one actually. Sometimes when I watch her, I saw her eating chocolate, not the expensive one, the one which the children always eat. It is called Choki-Choki. So I buy one and get back to her and give it to her. And I tell her dont cry anymore, and that her face doesnt look cute when she is crying. And suddenly she stop crying after that and smiled due too my joke. Well thats a relieve to me. Little do I know, that in the next four years, one day I will be crying, and all because of this day. And i will cry alone.
So after that I stay with her untill she get back to her dorm and later get back to mine. I was thinking that night about what I have done. Was it a right thing to do. Later the next day she texted me, well we have texted before but that was for a homework kind of thing and never really persona. She texted me saying that she want to treats me for yesterday, so I was thinking like why not?. She treat me to a drink shop. There we dont talk much, i just make my silly joke like I always do. I do get to know her much better though. At that time, I snapped a picture of her for the first time, to be honest the second time actually but the first one didnt count. A picture of her which I remember the most until this day. That time I realize that I have actually fall for this girl.
After that we started texting quite a lot like almost everyday. Most of the time we text about nonsense, like no actual point of having a conversation itself. But that is actually the fun part is. Its like you didnt have anything to talk but you just want to talk anyway, because it is so happy to just talk to her. And there I realise, she really talks a lot when texting which is the opposite of her during the class. Well, for the most part it is just talking nonsense. But for the first time in my life, I found someone who talks nonsense thing like I do and happy about it. And I think to myself, yes I think I have fall in love with this girl. Even my close friend can see right through me that time. Everytime he saw me texting he says that I always smile and said " you fall in loved with her didnt you? " .
I know that I love her, but the point is that time, i also know that she likes someone else which make my heart breaks a little. Which also the reason that make me reluctant to tell her that. In the end, I got to know that she give up on that guy she likes. Sure it make me happy, but it also make me sad thinking that if I got a chance being with her, will I just be a substitute? That is something that I always think until this day. I never told her that I feel that way, well not in a serious kind of way. So our relationship got closer each day where most of the day I will make a joke like saying unintentionally that she is my wife. To be honest, in my heart, it was never a joke. But now, maybe it is.
When I make that joke, she never compaint as if she agree with that. It make my heart happy that time. And that kind of joke keeps on going until we have become so much close like a lover. And then I realize that we have become really like a lover but does she feel that way too.
And then one day, I asked her,
"what is our relationship right now actually?"
and she said,
"it depend on you."
I replied,
"so we a lover then"
And thats it, just like that, we have become lover. Day by day the more time I spent with her make me fall in love for her more and even more. One day when i got back to the university late and had to stay outside until morning, she will go out off the university just to keep me company. We sit st the mamak stall and I got sleepy due to tired of the trip. And I fall sleep but there she was, keeping an eye on me and keep me company the whole time that i was sleeping. It really make my heart moved. Like really really moved. I never met a girl who was worried about me and go all the way just to keep me safe.
And then our relationship move on further i think as I get to meet her family. I am a bit shy actually, I dont know what to say to her family. Most of the time I just keep quite and listen to her family talking. And her family introduce to me UTM which is near her home, the one which I currently studying. They said to me that this is a great place to continue my study and I can meet her easily. And there it is, the sole reason why I choose to study here. People might say that is a stupid reason, but when you fall in love like me, it never was a stupid one. I never cared actually now where I would study, but if studying at UTM means being closer to her, than I will not think twice. I just jump right up to the UPU ( application for persuing degree) and choose UTM without hesitation and just pick any course avaiable, which i choose chem, mechanical, and civil engineering. I choose chem first because i kind of like chemical more. But in the end I have got mechanical engineering which is the second choice. I didn't mind though because as long as I got to study there and be close with her, its fine by me.
And then the time passed, I got more friendly with her family. I still have trouble having conversation though eventhough its like 2 years, just thinking that her mother might be my mother in law makes me a little shy and cant think of anything to talk about. Sometime, well, a lot of a time I would spend the night at her house. To be honest i prefer it that way because from what i see, her neighbourhood is not what i would called a safe one so i think its better if I can stay the night more often. Most of her family is girls actually and thats make me more worried. Yeah its kind of overthinking but hey, when you worried about your loved one, you tend to be that way.
One of many days, I saw her sleeping and I just watch her for hours. I never got bored seeing that face. In my mind I think that to me she is a really reckless girl, a crybaby, sometime too nice to others and can be used by others really easily. Not to mention she is really a forgetfull person. And knowing that I make a promise to myself that day, that I will protect this girl no matter what. And I will be beside this girl forever, even if I have to go against the world. I have given all my heart to her without a second thought. I will follow her where ever she goes. But I was wrong, its not the world that i was up against, it was her. And thats why I lost.
The truth is I never feel something like that for the whole of my life. Feeling that you given all yourself for someon you loved the most. With her I feel like I can be happy forever and I dont need anything else. Which is why I throw away everything that I have because of her, because she is everything.
And then, the storm cloud is coming. After nearing 4 years, she start to keep saying that our relationship is not like it used too. She said we doesn't text as much as the early days and that our love has gone dried. To me it was never was, I just keep loving her more and more. To me i dont need to text just to show that I love her so much. What inside of my heart is what matter to me. To me in every love, after some time you will start to feel boring and such thing, but the love you have for someone is what makes it going on. Its what I always believe. I guess I am the only one who think that.
And then she said I has changed, not in a good way. Maybe she is right, i am not a good person itself to start with, but I thought that she will always stay by my side, like that night at the mamak stall, no matter how I have become, during my good time and my bad time, as I will always do for her. But hey, those kind of thing were just fairy tales.
Then, we got to a fight. We never really fight much during our relationship, which why I always believe that our relationship will last forever. However this time, she misunderstood what i was saying and suddenly all her hatred is released at me. Everything that she hold up inside of her is said out lout and that makes me even just sad. I cant believe everything that she said about me. Is that what she really think of me of all this time. I guess it is. Which is why it makes my heart even more broken.
After that fight, we are just not we again. And then the moment came when she said we need to take a time out, maybe we need to be only friend for awhile until she finish her study. At that time, deep in my heart i know, its already over, but i just dont have the courage to accept it.
For a while, i dont mind becoming her friend. As long as she stay by my side, i can accept anything, i can wait as long as it take for her to be with me again. Because that if she still love me, i willing for everything. But then, one question my heart told me, does she still love me?
I want to asked her many times, but i cant, eventhough that is the same question i always asked her all this time and the answer always the same. But the different this time, the answer might be different. I collect all the courage I have and meet her, I looked her face as long as I could that day because I know, that face, the face which I always want to see over this years, the face which make me cry when everytime I sent her to the terminal to go back to her university, every single time, and I might never see it again. And I asked the question,
"Do you still love me?"
And she just replied,
"No, I dont anymore, there no feeling of love for you"
And then she cried.
At that time, for the first time in my whole life, my heart fell into pieces. It felt like everything in my life come crashing down on me. The main source of my happiness, was not there anymore. And all I can do that time was just holding my tears, faking my laugh, and just lying to her by saying that its okay and that I have already expect this. No, I was never expect this, not a single moment do I expect this to happen. And then all I just able to do was saying that I will not come see her again cause I know if I see her again, my tears will fall like rain, and for the last time I do our little special handshake with her, just hoping she will stop crying. I dont know why she was crying where at time I'm the one that should be.
Was everything I do with her all this time means nothing? Was me being faithful just to her for all this time means nothing too? I just dont know. I dont know anything anymore that time. If she just want me to change, I would do it no matter what, she just need to say it. I would do anything for her just as I always was. But then is that the reason for all this? I get back home just as my tears falling down. My friend saw me crying that day. I never once cry in front of them. But I just cant hold it anymore.
And then, my life after that day never feel the same. Everything I did feel just empty. I letting go of everything. I throw away my study. Why? Because she is the main goal of me studying here in the first place. I never really have any other reason. I just want to get a good grade just to impress her. All I think of before was just finishing my study, get job as fast as I could, just so I could marry her. But that is just a lost reason now.
And then, it just getting worse. Just a few weeks, I saw her friend said that she is getting sweeter and full of rainbow now. Yes, she has already has another man, and it from her internship place. In just less than a month after break up. I was just speechless. I guess she never really love me, never did once. If she did she will never fall in love so easily to another guy that quickly. No, maybe she left me for that guy. All the time she said to me that she will not fall for the other guys, i guess it just a lie. Four years been together and suddenly she fell for another guy who she just knew at her internship. What not to be sad there. And sad is I am.
I was about to just about to let this love of us be something which I will be remember as the precious memory of my life. But there was never the love of us in the first place, it was just the love of me. My friend told me if I still love her, i should go chase after her, and I will, I will chase her to the end of life, but there nothing to chase on now. There is no single shred of love left for me to hold on to. She is already happy with another guy now. Maybe that guy is feeling what I was feeling four years ago. I saw their conversation at the social media recently, and that is the same kind conversation we had when we first start this relationship. It hit me up pretty hard. I guess I am the one who watch now. Maybe what she is after was that the feeling of first having a relationship. Fate is really a cruel thing my friend.
All I think now was mybe this is consequences of all the sin that I have done. My love one being taken away from me, even the happy memory together with her taken away just like that. I have nothing to complaint anymore, because I am a sinful person that is for sure. I hope that she will be happy with that guy, even if I have doubt about that guy when I see him, but hey if she choose him over me, he must be better. She said that I was not good enough for her, than it mean that guy is. I can just pray for her happiness and her safety, for which I have to kept that promise that I made to myself that night a year ago. Which I feel like it will be broken after this.
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